Bad History

I'm actually kind of embarrassed looking back at the things I wrote.
I mean, like, who was that person back then?
Can I somehow archive them and make them unreadable to the general public?
It's more to save your eyes from things I used to write. Kind of embarrassing actually.
Maybe I really do need to start a new one.

I think I'll use my new email and archive this entirely. Of course the link is freaking awesome. I think I should make another one wolf related and way more awesome.

hi :)

I used to write better. More flowery with my words and expressions. More creative too. Gotta start that again by reading and writing more.

Hi. I'm writing this because I'm at work and my brain isn't working. So I needed to do something and look productive.

The good thing is that my typing is still okay. I think I used to type better and faster but I guess the lack of familiarity with the keyboard doesn't help with my average skill.

Hi, H. I don't think you'll ever find this. And I really hope you didn't. There were lots of dark memories in here that even I am afraid to venture. But I didn't wanna get rid of them because we share the same thoughts on that. Sort of. Yours was more about me. Mine is about my history.

Maybe I can look back one day and not be embarrassed, but until that time comes, I hope you don't see it too.

<3 p="">

Adding one second to a year.

That phenomenon is real. You should go look it up.

Anyway,
I'm writing again because I needed a place to vent while no one is here. My boyfriend stalks me everywhere. It's a good thing, I like doing that too. Just that I think my thoughts are way too dark for anyone to handle. Other people have their own problems anyway :)

I'm just feeling sad right now.
It is about the past. It haunts me. My thoughts haunt me. I need to get away.

I need to face them, I just don't know how to.

The problem I'm facing is that I remember the good things. I felt like we fit well together and that I am sad to see that compatibility become lost in time and fade away as memory. The problem I'm facing is I don't remember what it felt like to love him and I don't know if that is why I can't let it go.

Maybe I'm just holding onto memories. And feelings. And the feeling of missing out on the future we had planned together. The future I had envisioned would come true. The one I really hoped would come true. Replacing that with another was never a possibility. I didn't ever want it to be.

I also remember the last time we met. I couldn't feel love from him, or for him. They were embers; slowly burning out. That feeling, brought warmth to my eyes.

Time is something that passes with or without your existence; that's what you showed me with how you treated our relationship and how you treated how it ended. Especially when I know you brought her to your room 1 day after we actually split, and you were dating her 6 days before that. I gave you space, you used it to spend with other people. Just like the last time I gave you space.

So, I'll just take the high road and leave all this behind. Just like you seem to have. Although, it's weird that you could accidentally follow my boyfriend on fb.

#np High Road ft. John Legend, Fort Minor.

Past, Present, and Future Me.

I have a tiny problem. I am utterly and completely embarrassed of my old self, no matter how much more awesome I was then compared to now. Of course, there are improvements to my current self that I really do much prefer, but there has been "de-provements" too, which I hope I can get back or improve in the future.

But I disgress, this post is about my old self, but specifically, my old posts with all my nonsense topics and my nonsense lingo. Oh God, how embarrassing. The problem is that it feels like I'm not accepting of my past, even though I am. So deleting it makes it seem otherwise.

And what of future Me? Will future Me be disappointed of what I wrote? I mean, those kinds of regrets are a little petty though hahaha! 

yea, short post for a little self reflection.

Moving Forward Hurts.

So back again it seems. Well, welcome back anyway!

It hurts a little, feeling like the love lost was a love that probably never existed at all.
Yet I don't believe that.
I think that love truly was there, yet it was squandered away by two youngsters who didn't know how to make it work. Sadly...

I feel like I am moving on, sometimes. There are bouts of anger, sadness, numbness, and regret. All of which I could write a little something about, but I think it would lead me down a dark road again.
I couldn't talk about it, recently, to someone without making the atmosphere depressing. Sadly, it was depressing and I wish it didn't have to turn out that way.

He's moved on, and honestly, I couldn't care less. It's his life (one that we had planned to share, but looked how it turned out... haha), and I am no one to manage it or advise him to make certain choices (even though they're the right choices). The fact that he uses the same moves he used on me a long time ago, on her, is sort of sad. He doesn't have many moves to actually land a girl, ie messaging constantly, telling them that they have a future planned with him, asking them whether they're willing to have his children, exchanging hoodies (that reminds me, did I lose my LP hoodie to him, oh god...). Whatever.

I want to move forward. I'm just not sure how. I don't want to go out and date one person, go steady, and have a serious relationship like the one he's having now. (BTW, he said he didn't want to do that and just go on dates, yet there he is having a serious relationship with someone else right after me. Fantastic.) I want to go out and meet people. There seriously can't be no one in Singapore for me, that would confirm that my life does not belong here, and I really need to honestly start planning a move out of here. I want to date and have fun. I'm only 21.

...

Darn, I'm only 21... While typing this, I was actually planning to write about how I wanted to start a Tinder adventure like most (hopefully) single people are doing to find love, or a good friend. That isn't me. I'm not one to put myself out there and make conversations with random strangers (sadly not with good friends too), because I am utterly socially awkward. Darn, I even downloaded the app on my phone. Gosh, how desperate. It also occurred to me how scary it would be. Awkward first date jitters and all.

My life is still way ahead of me, and there are bigger fish to fry than the potential long term single-dom I may be heading towards. HAHA! No problem. Live life vicariously. You're still way too young!

I definitely don't need to get a boyfriend yet. Seriously, girl. What are you thinking?

"This Little Light Of Mine, I'm gonna let it shine" - Harry Dixon Loes

Back again to writing after 4 years.

Well, you can guess what happens, right?
Some change happened 4 years ago that made me change a small habit.
Then something changed again recently that made me go back to doing what I used to.

This used to be a place where my dark heart has a chance to flow through into words.
Words that shouldn't appear anywhere, mind, voice or on paper.
But all feelings need to be expressed.
That's why some people need psychiatrists. I don't have the funds to do that.
So here I am again, in my dark and emotional thoughts.

Like a hormonal teenage girl. Pfft..

Listening to Michael Buble's "It's A Beautiful Day" reminded me of something.
That I am a total bitch, to the person I love.
I used to feel so much that I would feel better without him. But it's not the case now, is it...

I felt that way because I was so scarred from the fact that I felt like no matter how much I loved him, I would never be enough to him; that no matter what I do, some other girl is going to be better in his eyes, and I mean nothing in it...

Words are just words; some can heal, some can hurt. Ultimately, actions show the most of what's in your heart. I guess we couldn't convey our feelings well, both through words or actions. That is our demise.

It is my demise...





Signed,
فاتين سيازواني

Stories

I kinda wanna start writing again, mostly stories..
I know I wanna use a blog. but i dont feel okay using this one.
Coz i want my friends to see my stories but i dont want them to see my old posts.
And I definitely dont want to make a new one, i definitely dont wanna...
WAIT! i do have another blog :D yay!
Okay, i'm gonna change it :)

Fight Inside - RED

Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Knowing truth
Whispering lies, and it hurts again

What I fear
What I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain; I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's still the same
Pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know how this will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
It's everything!

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's breaking me!
It's breaking me!

I'm falling apart!
I'm falling apart!



what does this song mean to me?
maybe i'll get back to you on that :X
but right now it's abt having lost someone
and the pain of that is the fight inside

STOP IT

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
why am i so depressed?
my heart has a glitch :/
it hasnt been working right for a few days
i think abt 3/4 days..

im not purposely feeling down
why should i?
i'll be troubling people,
esp since i cant explain my problem.
i never was able to explain my problem coz i never had to
coz no one asked and no one would listen

i feel so cut off from the other people
other people who can tell other people their problems
and be done with it :/

i've been listening to Fight Inside by RED alot today.
somehow i feel that way?
i feel like i might end up alone again
but i never wanna be alone
EVER AGAIN :(
so now what?
how am i going to fix my heart when i duno what started in it the first place?

i know i just started feeling grumpy
thats all i know
but i duno what made me start feeling that way in the first place...

if i wanted to make many posts for how i feel today i could.
and it'll be the same thing over and over again.
but i still wouldnt know what the underlying problem is.
so i duno how i can fix it...

he cant fix it, coz i duno how he can help
im selfish to him.
when i feel down, i decide to lock up my heart and i keep quiet.
he doesnt like that i stay quiet for a long time,
coz what he wants from me
is the entire opposite of who i made myself to be;
quiet, reserved, fake, sad, maybe somehow broken.

he wants me to change the mask i built so well to protect my truly fragile heart
IM AFRAID.
i built it too well maybe and my heart doesnt wanna be vulnerable
it's scary; the world out there and the people in it..
i built it too well, my fragile heart has grown attached to it.
i need to break it down so he wont go.
NEED.
WANT.
why is it so difficult?
i told him didnt i?
i warned him, i remember i warned him.
i warned him abt my heart.
i havent been able to stop crying entirely yet
and every time its coz
i remember disappointing the only guy
who ever gave me a chance.
i realise i am not good enough yet.
im an idiot :(
he gave me a chance and im blowing it :/
I AM AN IDIOT.

school is giving me loads of headaches and i feel like im dying
the invisible pile is stacking up on me and it keeps piling
like it wont end.
even though the assignments dont really keep increasing
it does feel like it :(
i feel tired.
they're pushing everything on us
this world is getting harder to live in...

i cant stop feeling down,
even when i want to.
my heart is broken all over.
i dont understand myself..
maybe i should get to studying but im tired.
am i making a mountain out of a molehill?
i hope not, esp since i duno whats wrong...

i see no light

not sure why, but i've really stop being normal for a few days alr, hormonal imbalance maybe :/

i promise i have no idea whats wrong with me...

I cant always put on a smile.

And sometimes I cant even pretend to be happy anymore.

Why do you die inside, Heart?

What is causing you to crumble into pieces?

I dont understand.

I dont understand the pain you're feeling.

The pain you're feeling...

I cant always have a spring in my step.

And sometimes I just dont laugh anymore.

Why do you die inside?

Why do you hurt inside, Fragile Heart?

I dont understand.

I dont understand what you feel.

The pain that you're feeling.

How much further are you going to bring me down?

How much further can I hold on?

Holding on to whatever's left of the mask you have to see,

You cant fix me, coz I dont know how I can be fixed.

How much more farce will fit into the void that doesnt seem to want to heal?

Where is this pain coming from?

Where is this pain coming from?

Where will this pain lead me?

I dont want it to go,

My Spirit.

There's only one salvation I can touch,

and one Salvation I can call.

I'm begging for you,

To fix me where I'm broken.

Im broken inside,

Can you reach me there?

Can you reach inside?